


Say What You Wanna Say

by orphan_account



Category: Free!
Genre: Blood and Injury, Coming Out, First Love, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Haru really just wants to get laid, M/M, Masturbation, Mutual Pining, Rei's surprisingly sarcastic (with himself), accidental cock blocking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-21
Updated: 2014-10-21
Packaged: 2018-02-22 00:13:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2487404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>Do NOT picture Nagisa-kun wearing one of your shirts and nothing else, Rei,</em> he tells himself, achieving the exact opposite result. Rei groans, burying his face in a throw cushion. He seriously needs to distract himself from the growing problem in his shorts. He’s half surprised by it, since despite their budding relationship, he has never thought of Nagisa-kun as sexy. He’s cute, adorable, beautiful even, with his soft golden hair and sparkling cherry eyes. <em>And his tight, trim body and creamy skin…</em></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Tumble Dry

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this a while ago; found it in my Fanfic folder and decided to toss it up.
> 
> It's the standard canon type thing. Lemme know what you guys think.

_“Rei-chan, I like you.”_

The words swirl around and around in Rei’s head, like they’re on tumble dry.

_“Rei-chan, I like you.”_

 

It’s only been four days since Nagisa-kun’s drama club left on that trip to Tokyo for Golden Week. Only two weeks since Nagisa had peered up at him from behind the backpack he was hugging and said those words. Rei had been only mildly surprised, he’d been wondering if Nagisa was going to say something like that for a while before it happened. Despite having a sense that it was coming, the phrase washed over him like a tidal wave, knocking the breath out of him.

“Rei-chan, I like you.”

Rei’s fingers had trembled- with nerves? Partly, and partly with excitement- “I like you, too,” he blurted. Wait, that wasn’t what he’d meant to say. But after the words came out, it struck home just how true they were. He did like Nagisa-kun, he really did, he had for a long time. He just hadn’t let himself think about it, hadn’t explored his own feelings on the subject. Why would he? It was a terrifying thought; liking Nagisa and not having him return the feelings. But now…

So. So. Having established that they both did in fact like each other, that way, the next week and half had progressed frighteningly quickly. Rei had been delighted to find that their confessions to each other had not strained their friendship- barely anything had changed, except that they were more aware of each other. Nagisa’s hand would linger a little longer than before whenever it brushed against Rei’s knee, Rei would catch himself staring at Nagisa more often than he used to. He found himself smiling more. He _liked_ being liked by Nagisa. And whenever they shared a chaste kiss, which they did at least once a day when they parted on their way home from school, Rei felt a familiar warm tickle in his chest, like butterflies were fluttering against his heart.

With their relationship so new, Rei hadn’t thought much of Nagisa’s impending trip. He hadn’t thought he would miss him this much.

 

 _You saw him four days ago, Rei,_ he chastises himself, trying to focus once again on his homework. “Rei-chan, I like you.” He catches a goofy smile trying to spread across his face and stops it in his tracks. _Calm down, heart! He isn’t even here!_ Still, missing his- his what? They aren’t boyfriends, exactly, not yet. Best friend? No, more than that- anyway, missing his Nagisa-kun this much isn’t the sharp, stabbing pain he’d read about in books and seen on television. He doesn’t feel as though there’s a gaping hole in his heart or anything. It’s more like, say, an hour glass, or the tide coming in- it’s a slow, constant trickle of loneliness that he’s hardly even aware of, at least during the day. At night, when he’s lying in bed with nothing to distract him, the trickle grows into a quiet ache, a subdued tightness in his chest. He misses Nagisa, wants nothing more than to squeeze him tight and bury his face against Nagisa’s neck, absorbing the faint strawberry scent of his hair-

He manages only a few more minutes of attempted studying before he sighs and closes his textbook. He changes into his track shorts and grabs his Nikes, intent on going for a run. That usually helps calm him down when he gets restless like this. He hesitates on his way out of his room, eyes settling on the pink iPod nano lying surreptitiously on the corner of his dresser. It’s Nagisa’s old one, marked up by countless scratches and the residue of a penguin sticker that Rei couldn’t seem to get off of it no matter how hard he tried. Given to him a few months ago as a “how-can-you-not-have-an-mp3-player-Rei-chan-oh-my-god-what-year-is-it” present. On one hand, listening to the music Nagisa filled the iPod with would completely overthrow the point of going for a run. On the other, there’s this reckless tingling feeling prickling in the back of his mind…

Rei snatches the iPod and earbuds, shoving them in the pocket of his shorts. Fine. It’s that kind of night. He locks the door to the apartment behind him as he leaves, knowing his mother won’t be home until long after he’s asleep. Shift work at the hospital is like that. He ties his runners on securely and stretches his legs and arms. Twenty more seconds on the left leg…but really, he’s kind of itching to put his earbuds in and let his mind fill with Nagisa-kun, unfettered for once.

It isn’t as if he doesn’t like music- like Apollo, he finds the theory and mathematical equations behind the notes soothing and comfortable. He usually listens to classical, violin and cello. He can appreciate music. He’s heard Nagisa’s tastes, though, and he’s a little concerned for his hearing, so he makes sure the volume is turned down low before he inserts the buds, and…what the heck is this? He scrolls casually through the playlist as he walks in the direction of his usual route. Nothing but anime themes and lovey-dovey pop songs. He settles on one that isn’t too much of an affront to his delicate musical sensibilities and turns up the volume, putting the device back in his pocket and picking up to jogging speed.

Rei finds that he likes running to the sound of the pumping music. Nagisa’s songs tend to have upbeat tempos and throbbing bass that he can easily match the rhythm of his stride to. An image of Nagisa enthusiastically dancing to the music pops up in Rei’s head, and he can’t suppress his smile. He’s drawn back out of his mind when he turns the corner around the convenience store and sees a big orange sign blocking the entrance to the park. DO NOT ENTER, it reads. And a smaller one next to it: PATH CLOSED FOR MAINTENANCE.

Rei halts in front of the signs. The music thrums in his ears as he turns his head to look both ways down the street. It’s getting dark already, and he can’t see any construction workers around. Normally he wouldn’t dare question the authority of the thin metal signs and would choose a different route, but this is The Place. This is The Place where he and Nagisa go when they want to be alone out of the house, where it’s easy to link their fingers together as they walk side-by-side, where the trees provide just enough cover from other park patrons to bend down and press a quick kiss against Nagisa’s soft lips…

Rei slips around the sign with another nervous glance around, as if the city would actually devote time and money to having a security guard watch the park entrance at all times with a pair of binoculars. Be logical, he tells himself, they’re hardly going to give you a ticket for this. And after a pause, Nagisa-kun wouldn’t be afraid of doing something this trivial. The thrill of doing something against the rules is still new to him, but it trickles down his spine in a way that isn’t entirely unpleasant, because it reminds him of Nagisa.

Smiling to himself once again, he begins his run in earnest, keeping his pace leisurely at first so that he has enough energy to get back home. His feet feel a tad sticky against the path and he can smell tar; clearly they’ve been putting down fresh oil. He wonders vaguely if the oil will ruin his shoes. 

Then he tries to shove that thought away, telling himself he doesn’t care (even though he does) and picks up his pace, glad that the music covers up the sticky squelching sound his footsteps are making. It feels good to run again, to participate in a physical activity he actually feels confident doing. He loves the way that running stretches his calf muscles and his thighs and pushes a warm flush into his extremities. As much as he enjoys swimming and loves being with Nagisa, he prefers cool wind against his face instead of chlorinated water. This is nice. Relaxing. He pushes himself into a full out sprint, relishing the freedom, seeing how fast he can go-

And then it happens. The song changes abruptly into something that booms sharply in his ears, about ten times louder than the one that’d just finished. His body jolts and he has only half a heartbeat to think _FUCK_ and he’s down, practically skidding across the rough pavement on his knees because of the momentum he’d picked up. He tears the earbuds out with one hand, thinking vaguely that he can’t see straight because the music is so damn loud, but no, those are tears making his vision blurry. The pain rushes in with the next beat of his heart. This kind of hurts, he thinks numbly around the searing vortex of volcanic flame that is his left knee. Kind of really hurts. But at least nobody _saw_. That would’ve been way worse.

Rei shifts gingerly so he can sit on the grass at the edge of the path and looks down at his leg, rubbing his eyes with the heel of his hand so he can see enough to try to survey the damage in the faint light of the streetlamp overhead. He realizes his glasses have fallen off somewhere. Despite that, he can see that his knee looks more or less like a raw hamburger patty that’s been stepped on. Repeatedly. Warm blood seeps lazily down his shin and pools in his sock. _Well, my shoes are definitely ruined now_ , he thinks, and for some reason, that makes him laugh. Nothing good ever came of letting himself be consumed by the personified typhoon that is Nagisa Hazuki.

 

 

Haru’s evening is in the middle of going from good to downright-fucking-awesome when the sharp keen of the doorbell cuts through the air. He sighs into Makoto’s mouth before pulling away and sliding carefully off of his boyfriend’s lap. Makoto looks confused and more than a little disappointed. “Were you expecting somebody?”

“No.” He considers just ignoring whoever’s at the door until they go away, but he’s curious as to whom it could be this late; it couldn’t be his neighbour coming to tell them to keep it down, they haven’t even gotten started yet. The doorbell rings a second time. Haru reaches into their pile of discarded clothes and pulls on a shirt, not caring who the rightful owner of it is. He readjusts his underwear as he crosses the room and opens the front door a crack, ignoring the muffled eep from Makoto, who is still sitting on the couch in just his boxers. “…Rei?”

Rei pushes his glasses up on his face, which is noticeably pale. “I am sorry to disturb you at such a late hour, Haruka-senpai, but I…” he falters here, gaze dropping to the ground, “I require some assistance…” Then Haru notices the blood, and opens the door for Rei to come in.

“Makoto, go get the first aid kit out of the bathroom,” he orders, leading Rei into the kitchen and directing him to sit on the table. He can hear Makoto fumbling around somewhere in the living-room, and then footsteps receding and a clatter. He turns his attention back to Rei, not bothering to ask what happened. “Gonna take your shoe off,” he says, not waiting for Rei’s answer before he removes the shoe and blood-soaked sock. The blood on his leg is already starting to congeal and dry, and there’s so much of it that Haru can’t see how bad the wound actually is.

Rei stretches his leg out, wincing. “I’m okay, I only came because you were close and I didn’t have my wallet or phone on me so I couldn’t get a cab. If I could borrow your phone to call one-”

“What happened to you, Rei-chan?” Makoto cries from the doorway, more than a little horror in his voice. Haru grabs the first aid kit out of his hand, noting dryly that he’s still only in his underwear, a blanket wrapped around his shoulders for cover. Haru looks down and realizes he’s taken Makoto’s shirt, and there’s no way the larger boy would fit into his. Thankfully, all of this seems to have completely bypassed Rei, who calmly informs them that he fell while out for a run and once again tries to insist that it’s fine, Haruka-senpai, it really is, if they would just call him a cab, but Haru chooses not to listen to this obvious lie and sets to work wiping off some of the blood with a wet cloth.

Rei grunts in pain when Haru reaches the tender, skinned flesh, dabbing as delicately as possible. He’s aware of Makoto hanging around in the kitchen doorway, torn between his natural desire to help and his overwhelming squeamishness in the face of any amount of blood.

He digs around in the kit for tweezers. “There’re a lot of little rocks stuck in here. I have to get them out.” Makoto releases ragged gasp at that information and hurries off with a sorry-I-have-to-go-to-the-bathroom, but Haru is mildly pleased to find that Rei takes this turn of events much more stoically. Haru picks over him as thoroughly as he can with the tweezers, Rei sitting taut and tight-lipped with only an occasional hitch in his breath to indicate pain. The hydrogen peroxide that follows, however, results in a sharp yelp and shallow breathing.

“All done,” Haru says loudly, for Makoto’s benefit. A moment later he shuffles into the kitchen, cellphone in hand, a sheepish look on his face.

“Sorry…I called a cab for you. Are you going to go to the hospital? That gash looks pretty deep.”

Rei shakes his head. “I’m not going to bother.” He checks his watch. “My mother will be home in a few hours. She’ll stitch it when she gets home. I doubt I’ll bleed to death by then.”

Haru pauses in rinsing out the bloody cloth in the sink, wondering if that was a rare attempt at a joke or if Rei was just being logical. Probably the latter, but it was still kinda funny, considering the cut isn’t that bad.

There’s a moment of silence. Then- “Are you two having a sleepover? I thought you said your family was going on a trip, Makoto-senpai.”

Makoto runs a hand through the hair on the back of his head, playing dumb. “I don’t remember saying that…are you sure, Rei-chan?”

“I remember it pretty distinctly. It was after swimming practice and Nagisa-kun wouldn’t stop talking about his drama trip and how much more fun his Golden Week would be than ours,” and is that a hint of jealousy Haru detects? “And then Haru started to say something and you cut in, saying that your family was going on a trip to Hokkaido to visit your grandparents,” Rei finishes neatly. Curse the guy and his forever-irritating eidetic memory. Does he have to remember every. Little. Thing?

Makoto pauses, face frozen in a smile. The awkwardness is so thick Haru thinks he can literally feel it. Like being in a room filled with Jell-O. He rolls his eyes, aware that the clumsy lying could go on for ages. “Makoto made that up,” he says.

“Haru!! Don’t-” but it’s too late. Makoto resigns himself to the truth and looks Rei in the eye. “I’m sorry, I did lie. We were kind of hoping to take the chance to have some…alone time, since Nagisa’s away. You know how hard it is to get some when he’s around.” He promptly blanches at the phrasing of that last sentence. Haru can practically see the gears whirring in Rei’s head as he finally puts everything together, his eyes flickering between Makoto’s naked torso and Haru’s kare-shirt, one shoulder bared because it keeps slipping down.

“Oh,” he squeaks, colour returning to his face in full force as he blushes up to the tips of his ears. “Oh. Well I’ll get out of your way, then,” he mumbles, standing up too quickly and almost swooning as he puts weight on his injured leg, catching himself on the table

“It’s fine,” Haru says, and means it. Rei can’t go anywhere until his cab arrives, anyway.

“I-I won’t bother you again for the rest of the week, I promise,” he stammers. When he looks up again, his facial expression is timid, pained. “I didn’t think I’d get so lonely, but I miss him.” He covers his eyes with his arm, as if he can somehow hide the fact that he’s started crying.

“Nagisa, you mean?”

He nods his head ‘yes’ without moving his arm away. Makoto is beside him in an instant, patting his back. “It’s okay, Rei-chan. He’ll be back soon. You can always text us, too, if you want.” Rei nods again, removing his glasses to wipe at his face. Haru can take care of physical wounds, but Makoto has always been far better at handling emotional ones. “When Nagisa-chan gets back, we can all go do something fun,” he soothes.

“Your cab is here,” Haru interjects with as much subtlety as he can muster, which is exactly none. Makoto shoots Haru The Look, but Rei is already stumbling over to collect his soiled shoe and sock, his expression far more composed than it was a minute ago.

“That’s a good idea, Makoto-senpai. I’ll research places we can go together.”

Makoto flashes him one of his genuine smiles. “Do you need me to walk you out to the car?”

Rei’s eyebrows rise. “In your underwear? No, thank you. I’ll manage.” This time Makoto blushes. “Thank you for everything, Haruka-senpai, I promise I’ll pay you back for the medical suppl-”

“You can pay me back by leaving,” Haru cuts in, his patience at an end. Rei blinks and nods, closing the front door behind him.

Makoto watches from the window to make sure he gets in the cab without incident. “Haru,” he begins, turning back to his boyfriend, “you didn’t have to be such a rude ass. He was clearly-”

But Haru’s already naked again, and he glances back at Makoto over his shoulder on his way to the bathroom. “I need a shower. Are you coming?” His mouth twitches up in a faint smirk as he hears Makoto’s footsteps following close behind him.

 

 

Rei’s cab ride home is quiet after the initial small-talk, which he appreciates. It’s also a little bit awkward, because he keeps running the evening’s events over and over in his mind. He can’t believe he cried in front of his senpais. He hadn’t meant to- like most of the embarrassing things that come out of Rei's mouth, it seemingly came out all on its own, disregarding the express wishes of his brain. Such as: _Sure Nagisa-kun, I’ll join your swim club. Can’t even fucking swim, but that sounds like a brilliant idea, Rei!_ He forces his inner sarcastic smartass to shut up. Not very helpful right now.

Unfortunately for him, he has a stubborn habit of forcing himself to follow up on the idiotic things he says, possibly because he fears people thinking he’s bragging. He does tend to get....a _bit_ overconfident about certain things, which can be off-putting to some people. Okay, a lot of people. Most people. Rei is fully aware that he doesn’t excel at making good first impressions. Or second impressions, for that matter. But bragging is not beautiful, which means that if he says he’s going to do something, he has to do it. Some people mistake his attitude for courageous, when really, he’s just ridiculously stubborn and determined not to fail in front of people. Which he has today. Quite expertly, in fact.

His tumultuous mind snags on something. Makoto and Haruka-senpai were having _intercourse_. That’s an interesting thought. Rei isn’t sure what to do with that information. He knew they were dating, but for some reason the thought that two people who are dating could possibly be having sex had never occurred to him until this very night. The revelation makes his face burn. 

_Intercourse_. His fingers dig into the fabric of his track shorts and he stares out of the window, not registering a single thing he sees. He spends the rest of the ride pointedly not thinking about sex (which results in him thinking about nothing BUT,) and by the time the cab driver drops him off at his house he’s completely frazzled.

He manages to limp up to his room to retrieve his wallet so he can pay the driver, even though fresh blood is starting to soak through the bandage on his knee. Re-entering the apartment, Rei sits down on a chair in the living-room, so he won’t miss his mother coming home. He still can’t stop thinking about sex, even though his knowledge of the act is extremely limited. He knows where everything is supposed to go and all that, but beyond that, he has no clue. He really shouldn’t think about his friends doing it. 

He _definitely_ shouldn’t think about Nagisa doing it. But now he is, and it’s uncomfortable. He’s never thought of Nagisa-kun that way before, when logically, he should have guessed that this is the direction they’d eventually be going in. Still, he feels as though he’s betraying his friend’s innocence when he thinks that way. Bright, shining, childlike Nagisa, who loves strawberry milk, karaoke, and will still run out into traffic if Rei isn’t watching him like a hawk.

 _Do NOT picture Nagisa-kun wearing one of your shirts and nothing else, Rei,_ he tells himself, achieving the exact opposite result. Rei groans, burying his face in a throw cushion. He seriously needs to distract himself from the growing problem in his shorts. He’s half surprised by it, since despite their budding relationship, he has never thought of Nagisa-kun as sexy. He’s cute, adorable, beautiful even, with his soft golden hair and sparkling cherry eyes. And his tight, trim body and creamy skin… Rei blushes violently, fumbling with the television remote. He flicks through the channels. There has to be some kind of news station or documentary on. Anything to get thoughts of Nagisa out of his head. There, a special about how they make copper wiring. Fascinating! He wraps the couch throw around his shoulders like a shawl and closes his eyes against the bright glare of the television screen.

He’s in the same position when he jolts awake a barely two hours later to the sound of keys jingling and the door creaking open. His neck hurts terribly. Almost enough to distract from his throbbing knee. Almost. “Mom?” it comes out as a croak. _You sound pathetic_ , the inner smart ass says. _Shut up_ , he counters.

His mother steps into the living-room, setting her purse on the foyer table. She’s still wearing her white coat, and she looks tired. “What are you doing up at this hour?” The words are strict, but her voice is coated with worry. Rei never stays up this late, at least not out in the middle of the living room, watching television of all things.

“I went running earlier, because I thought it would help me concentrate more on my studying, since I couldn’t seem to remember the correct formulas for working out quadratic equations with imaginary coefficients…” aaaaand he’s babbling. He’s aware that he is, but for some reason he can’t stop.

His mother nods patiently, like she always does. “Can I get the abridged version please, Rei?” she asks lightly.

Right. He gulps. “I tripped and cut my knee open.” After a cursory peek under the bandage, Rei’s mom determines that he does indeed require stitches. She’ll do them herself, promising him that it won’t hurt (a lie) and will only take a couple of minutes (the truth, thank god). While she’s disinfecting the area afterwards, a strange feeling comes over Rei. Perhaps it’s the late hour, or the stress of injury- probably a combination of both, Rei decides, but either way, he feeling delirious enough to ask- “How do you manage with father working overseas so much? Don’t you get awfully lonely?”

His mother pauses with a cotton ball in her hand and looks up at her son like he’s a stranger. Rei understands it’s not because it’s a weird question, it’s just a weird question coming from him. She takes a moment, composing her answer carefully. “We communicate through email and phone calls. You know that.”

“But don’t you miss…” Rei doesn’t know how to end that sentence. “Him?” he finishes lamely.

Rei’s mother smiles. “I do, honey. But it’s something we have to live with. And it makes the time we do have that much more precious.” She narrows her eyes, suspicious. “Why do you ask?”

All of a sudden the room is freezing. Rei’s stomach flutters uncomfortably. He feels vaguely queasy, because he’s just come to the realization that he’s going to tell his mother he’s gay. And he has absolutely not a single fucking idea how she’s going to take it, which is terrifying. _What if she hates me? What if she doesn’t let me see him again?_

He directs his gaze anywhere and everywhere except for her face. “Mom, I…” the words stick in his throat, and he links his fingers firmly together to try to get them to stop trembling so badly. It’s fucking freezing in here… “I’m going out with somebody,” he spits out, dimly proud of how clear his voice is, given the circumstances. It would be absolute torture if she made him repeat himself because he was mumbling.

Her expression is completely impassive, except for one eyebrow climbing high over the rim of her glasses. “Oh? Do they happen to have a name?”

He realizes he could lie, but he’s no good at it, and besides, he always follows through on the stupid things he says. Or at least he tries to. He’s committed to this thing now, like he committed to the swim club. Only this feels infinitely more dangerous than the possibility of drowning. That menacing thought surfaces again- _What if she won’t let me see him anymore?_ He almost can’t stand the thought of not seeing Nagisa again. He had never felt lonely before he’d met him, even though he hadn’t had any friends to speak of. But everything’s different now. Now he's practically going insane after four days without him. _Because of him._ “It’s Nagisa.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [rosaveritas.tumblr.com](http://rosaveritas.tumblr.com/)


	2. Theory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He spends some time looking up diagrams and scientific articles about the benefits of masturbation and homosexual coitus, storing every piece of relevant information away for careful processing later. He feels satisfied that he understands the basic theory behind it. Now he just needs...visual examples.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hahahahaha Rei is such a DORK! Love him!
> 
> Also, anyone familiar with my stuff should BE AMAZED AT HOW I FINALLY LEARNED HOW TO USE DANG ITALICS ON THIS SITE! *victorious fist pump at own brilliance*

Rei’s mom visibly relaxes, and she has that sparkle in her eyes that lets him know everything’s fine. “Thank god,” she says, “I was worried it might be some girl I don’t know.”

Rei is stunned. In the best possible way. “You…you’re not mad?” _I’m not dreaming?_

She starts methodically cleaning up the mess from stitching up his knee. “Of course I’m not mad. Nagisa-kun is good for you. I approve of him. And I have to say…I know you pretty well, Rei, and I’m not entirely shocked.”

He can’t stop the indignant flush that creeps into his cheeks. Well, he supposes he isn’t the most opaque person in the world. _Or the most masculine_ , the inner smartass pipes up. He’s not entirely sure what to say now, so he settles on a pleased grin.

“Rei,” his mother says, standing, “I think it’s time for bed. For both of us.” He nods at her, his head fuzzy and warm. He gets up and limps toward the door, but is stopped by his mother’s hand on his arm. Is there no end to the surprises this evening has in store? His mother is even less touchy-feely than he is, but here she is, pulling him into a stiff, one armed hug. It would seem awkward and unsatisfying to the average outside viewer, but to Rei it’s perfect, a brief moment of warmth and contact, and then it’s over, before he has a chance to get uncomfortable. Rei wonders idly if Nagisa is truly the only person he’ll ever be able to hug for longer than three seconds. Regardless, he pulls away from his mom’s embrace feeling giddy. His mom hesitates. “I’d hold off on telling your dad. Indefinitely.”

 

Rei peels off his clothes and literally falls into bed on his back, too tired to put on his pajamas, which would likely only irritate his stitches. He stares at the ceiling for a while, thinking about how much he appreciates his mother, and about Nagisa-kun…god, he cannot stop thinking about Nagisa! He’s sweet, brave, exuberant. Liquid sunshine. And he truly is sexy. Rei’s finally willing to admit it. He can’t remember ever finding anyone sexy before. The feeling is strange. He allows the thought to expand in his mind, testing its limits.

Nagisa stretching out at the beginning of practice (only because Rei makes him, otherwise he’d dive in as recklessly as Haruka-senpai and get a cramp,) Nagisa laughing as he jumps into the pool, all lithe muscles bending and stretching gracefully, Nagisa as he shimmies out of his jammers, hopping into the shower, soap suds dripping down his back and around the curve of his adorable, sexy little ass as he laughs and tells Rei a joke he heard earlier…

Well. _Well_. Now he’s harder than he can remember being in a long time, maybe since those first few fumbling, exploratory sessions when he was thirteen. These days, Rei usually only gets hard in the mornings, and those instances are completely beyond his control. He can will them away by focusing on his chemistry homework, or deciding if he should put raisins in his oatmeal instead of bran flakes. This one won’t go away that easily. He realizes he doesn’t really want it to.

He reaches a hand down and tentatively palms himself through his underwear; it feels…okay, he guesses. Not great. He sighs. If he’s going to do this, he should at least try to do it properly. Rei tucks his thumbs under the waistband of his boxer briefs and slips them down as gently as possible, letting them settle around his thighs. His erection falls heavy against his belly, the tip already slicked with moisture. He puts one hand behind his head, trying to relax, and with the other he lightly runs his fingertips over his chest. Nagisa-kun…Nagisa-kun naked and hard, touching Rei’s body with his warm hands…

Rei trails his fingers over his chest, brushing against his nipple, whisper soft. It doesn’t take much to stimulate him; his skin is unfamiliar with caresses, sensitive, and his nipple hardens considerably with just one gentle pinch, causing goose bumps to break out over his whole body. He brings his second hand down to tease his other nipple, massaging with a little more force, pretending it’s Nagisa. He imagines Nagisa’s hands, Nagisa’s mouth- Nagisa’s mouth. Sucking on him, nibbling. He pinches just so at the thought, a hot jolt travelling down and coiling in his lower belly. Rei stifles a gasp, more surprised than anything. His erection is throbbing now.

After a few more dizzying pinches like that, Rei rubs his hands down his belly and traces his hipbones and v-lines, lightly, almost a tickle. The sensation makes his hips twitch, his cock leaking a thick dribble of precum. Why exactly had he denied himself this all these mornings? At the moment he can’t remember, his mind is too full of Nagisa, pretending he’s kneeling between Rei’s legs, nimble fingers skating across his hips, pressing his palm against Rei’s hardness while he leans in to kiss him, blond hair tousled, the same devious look in his eyes as when he comes running up, yelling “Rei-chan! I have an idea!” How could Rei have spent even one moment thinking Nagisa wasn’t sexy?

Rei has to pull his legs out of his underwear in order to reach his thighs better. And that, that feels good. There’s no denying it. He rolls onto his side, not caring that precum drips on the sheets, his legs spread open and his knees bent for easier access. He smooths his palms across his outer thighs and rakes the pads of his fingers up on the inside, biting back a groan. He spreads his legs further and massages little circles at the top of his pelvic line, pretending Nagisa’s lips are on him, his tongue flicking against Rei’s flesh…

The thought elicits a particularly violent twitch from his cock, and Rei finally succumbs, wrapping his hand firmly around the tip, stroking downwards to coat himself with glistening precum. His idle hand finds its way up to fondle a still-puckered nipple. God, this does feel good. He turns his head and presses his mouth against the pillow to quiet the sounds that keep escaping against his will. He strokes himself harder and faster, his hips bucking against his hand in measured thrusts. The knot in his belly coils tighter and tighter, this thighs trembling. He gasps Nagisa’s name into the pillow as he comes, continuing to stroke himself through his shuddering orgasm, hips rising off the bed, stomach and sheets splattered with thick, wet gobs.

Rei rolls away from the wet spot, attempting to calm his ragged breathing and wild pulse, only now noticing how sweaty he is. So _that_ happened. He came thinking about Nagisa. His best friend. He pulls off his glasses and throws an arm across his face, wondering what Nagisa would do if he ever found out. The warmth of his orgasm fades into guilt. 

Nagisa-kun would think he was gross. Disgusting. As utterly non-beautiful as it’s possible to be. Furthermore, his knee had started burning again. Hopefully he hadn’t ripped out any of his stitches during that escapade. _Sorry mom, I destroyed them while I was jacking off_. That would likely go over about as well as a lead balloon.

Rei doesn’t dare glance at the clock that illuminates his room with ethereal blue light. It has to be somewhere around four, a full six hours after the time he’s usually asleep. His sleep schedule is going to be completely off-kilter for at least a week. At least he doesn’t have to get up for school tomorrow, he thinks appreciatively, rolling over to the dry side of his mattress and closing his eyes. His head aches, his knee aches, and his heart aches. He slows his breathing and forces his mind to shut off. He doesn’t have the energy to think anymore. He surrenders to sleep.

 

He wakes unwillingly, sunlight prying his eyes open, his limbs twisted uncharacteristically in the mussed sheets. He groans and blinks the sleep from his eyes, stretching out his stiff muscles. When he glances at the time, he’s almost tempted to roll over and go right back to sleep. 12:34. In the afternoon. It’s unthinkable. But his stomach rumbles quite forcefully and he has to pee, so he stumbles out of bed, deciding to deal with his dirty sheets later. He goes to the bathroom and relieves himself, brushes his teeth (he always brushes them right after he wakes up, it’s ritual, even though he knows he’ll have to do it again after breakfast) and goes to the kitchen to find something to eat. His mother is there, a coffee mug next to her on the table, neurology journal in hand. He suddenly remembers last evening in great detail, ears burning.

“Good morning,” she offers.

“It’s afternoon,” Rei points out, moving briskly toward the refrigerator. Too many things happened yesterday; his head and emotions are a mess, and he doesn’t want to talk to people. _Your disrupted sleep schedule is already affecting your disposition_ , he thinks, opening a container of leftovers.

“I made sausages. Yours are in the microwave.”

Rei looks over at her, startled. “I can’t have sausages for lunch, mother. That’s breakfast food.” Breakfast was over hours ago, and he missed it. _Nagisa_ was the one who slept in and had breakfast for dinner. _It’s 8 pm on a Wednesday, let’s make crepes, Rei-chan!_ And then he’d just do it. But Rei isn’t like that, so he heats up leftover stir-fry and chews on it mechanically. His mother doesn’t say anything, but he can feel her eyes on him while he eats.

The rest of the day is a numb blur of laundry, physics notes, and ignoring his phone whenever it buzzes, which is actually a fair amount today. Well, three isn't a fair amount, but it's more than he'd prefer. He throws his entire mind and body into menial tasks, because they relax him. Numbers, reading, folding, making his bed again so that there’s not a single wrinkle marring the beauty of his purple butterfly comforter. Perfect. He finally feels better. Once his chores are done and his mind is clearer, Rei sits at his desk. He taps the pads of his fingers against the smooth glass. He’s finally ready to address the issue he’s been shoving to the back of his mind all day.

He concludes, now that he’s had to time to consider it, that masturbating to Nagisa is nothing to be ashamed of. Masturbation is a natural phenomenon noted in both males and females of countless animal species. It’s biology. The adrenaline and endorphins in his system last night combined with stimulus of sexual imagery had gotten him aroused. His age is also a huge factor in the equation. All perfectly natural. And of course it’s also natural that the imagery he used to get off on was a close member of his social group. That, and Nagisa-kun’s the most beautiful member of the swim club, so really, it was inevitably going to happen.

Slowly releasing the breath he’s been holding in, Rei pulls his laptop toward him and opens the lid, pressing the power button. It would almost be irresponsible not to look further into this. He doesn’t bother with an incognito tab, because he can’t imagine why anyone would look at his laptop, especially his mother. And if she does, well, she’s a doctor, and also knows Rei’s in a relationship with another man, so nothing he’s going to look up should shock her.

He spends some time looking up diagrams and scientific articles about the benefits of masturbation and homosexual coitus, storing every piece of relevant information away for careful processing later. He feels satisfied that he understands the basic theory behind it. Now he just needs...visual examples. His first few searches look, as Nagisa would say, _hella sketch_ , and Rei worries vaguely that he’ll get a virus on his computer if he clicks on any of the links. Furthermore, his search terms are far too general, wielding more results than he knows what to do with. He can’t possibly sift through all of this. He needs something more specific, or this will take days. He adjusts his glasses, leaning back in his chair.

 

 

The screen on Makoto’s phone lights up, indicating that he’s received a message. Normally, under the circumstances, the thought of answering it wouldn’t even cross his mind, but today he jumps at the distraction, extricating himself from between Haru’s legs and practically leaping toward it. “Sorry, Haru, it might be important!”

Haru glares at him, tugging at the tie restraining his wrists. “Get back here!”

Makoto shoots him a guilty look, shrugging his heavy shoulders before turning back to his phone. Haru rolls his eyes and stares haughtily at the wall. He should have known this would never work. He lets his gaze wander back to Makoto. Well, at least he can enjoy the view from this position, if nothing else. Makoto is completely naked, offering him a spectacular view of toned back muscles and taut ass, the little dimples just below his tailbone, where his butt starts to curve, equal parts endearing and sexy. If only he’d bring it over here and put it to work.

He’s getting very impatient. “Is it important?”

“It’s Rei, wanting advice.” Makoto turns to him, Haru noting that he’s put his glasses on so he can see the message. “But I think maybe you’d be more helpful than me here, Haru.” 

Haru can’t possibly think what advice Rei could need from him. Not that he thinks particularly hard about it, because he honestly couldn’t care less about Rei’s problems right now. Haru has his own things to deal with, like the current project of trying to convince Makoto to get a little rougher with him in bed. Okay, a lot rougher. Haru’s not exactly a china doll, and what’s the point in Makoto having such a well-built body and big hands if he’s going to be too shy to put them to their full potential? Furthermore, he doesn’t want to encourage Rei’s recent cock-blocking behavior. 

“Why.” It’s not a question so much as it is a herald of his utter indifference, but Makoto kneels across the bed and holds the phone in front of his face anyway.

 

Ryuugazaki Rei (19:48): I have a rather odd question to ask you. Would you happen to know of any legitimate sources for watching gay porn? Free ones, preferably.

Ryuugazaki Rei (19:49): I realize my previous message sounds rather suspicious, but I assure you, it’s for research purposes only! I’m using it to research homosexual mating behavior in primates.

Ryuugazaki Rei (19:49): Also, I did not mean to insinuate that you engage in pornography viewing, I just thought you were my best chance since you happen to be homosexual and sexually active.

Ryuugazaki Rei (19:53): I apologize for the high volume of text messages.

 

So, Rei’s inability to shut up once he got going transcended physical speech. Haru huffs, looking up at Makoto. How is Rei’s attempt to build a porn collection remotely his problem? But Makoto’s chuckling, and Haru’s hopes of getting back to their intimate activities anytime soon are sinking rapidly. The only way to make this problem go away is to answer Rei’s question. “Untie me.”

He notes, not without disappointment, that Makoto is far too eager to comply, reaching over and tugging the tie free in seconds. Haru is determined to fix this timid behaviour of his if it’s the last thing he ever does.

 

Sent Messages (19:57): this is haru. what kind of porn do you want?

Ryuugazaki Rei (19:58): I’m not entirely sure. Is regular an option?

 

Haru rolls his eyes. What an amateur. Seriously, what kind of teenage boy couldn’t find porn for himself? Still, Haru’s got tonnes of links to some helpful videos stored in his laptop’s history, though he’d long ago abandoned anything considered “regular.”

 

Sent Messages (20:00): try gaytube. theres categories on the side. pick whatever video looks good.

Ryuugazaki Rei (20:01): Thank you very much, Haruka-senpai. I appreciate the help. For my project.

Sent Messages (20:03): i can email some good links later. now leave us alone. makoto was just about to put his cock in and you ruined it.

 

He makes the message explicit on purpose. Rei doesn’t usually catch on to the subtleties of normal human conversation, weird pole-vaulting alien that he is. Haru maintains that the water rejected Rei for a reason. He trusts the pool’s judgment more than Nagisa’s. Haru hands Makoto back his phone without a word, crawling back up on the bed and ignoring the loud squawk Makoto gives when he reads over the messages.

“Haru,” he whines. “What did you have to go and say something like that for?”

Haru throws himself dramatically onto his back, holding his arms up against the headboard. His stiff cock bounces against his stomach with a thick slap. It aches a tiny bit, making Haru bite his lip and squirm as a thrill courses through his body. “Tie me back up.”

“I’m sorry,” Makoto sighs, setting his phone down. “I’m not in the mood.” His soft dick attests to that. 

God fucking dammit! Haru makes a mental promise to punch Rei in the face the next time he sees him. “Fine then,” Haru snaps, slipping back off the bed. “I’m taking a bath. Don’t bother me.” 

Makoto watches Haru pass, blinking owlishly behind the frames of his glasses. He looks torn, a little hurt. Guilty. Good. Haru stalks down the hall to the bathroom, hoping Makoto’s watching him leave. If he masturbates loudly enough, it’ll only be a matter of time before Makoto knocks on the door.

 

 

Rei mentally prepares himself, eyes closed, index finger hovering over the button on his mouse. _You can do this_ , he thinks. _It’s for science! How exactly do you expect to please Nagisa in bed if you don’t know what the hell you’re doing?_

He freezes up. What, exactly, had he just thought? How does he expect to please Nagisa in bed. Oh. Of course. His face is on fire. Except that, well, it’s true. Logically, if they’re going to keep dating, they’ll eventually enter into a sexual relationship, and Rei certainly wants to be able to please Nagisa when it happens.

So he’s simply _got_ to make it through the rest of this horrendous video. He’s only two minutes in and he’s already had to stop several times. It’s absolutely awful. The body hair, the grunting and sweating, the unflattering angles, flabby bits of skin dangling in places, things...jiggling. It’s one of the ugliest things Rei’s ever seen. He’s rapidly losing confidence that he can do this to Nagisa.

But there’s no way they’d look that bad, if they were together. Rei’s aware of how aesthetically pleasing his own body and face are, to say nothing of Nagisa. Nagisa’s downright gorgeous. Now, if it were Nagisa lying there naked on the pool chair like that, legs spread open with a sultry expression on his face, beckoning Rei closer with a crooked finger…

Then what? What exactly would Rei do? He’ll never know unless he can make it through the rest of this…this culmination of human refuse. How does Haruka-senpai watch this stuff? Sighing, Rei takes off his glasses and folds them, setting them carefully to the side. He lets his face flop onto the desk in front of him. He’s hard again, and it’s not even ten. He is seriously in over his head, here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hit me up at [rosaveritas.tumblr.com](http://rosaveritas.tumblr.com/) (y'know, if ya wanna!)
> 
> I think Rei's gonna get to know himself a little better in the next chapter, and then he'll have to face Nagisa again when he returns from his trip.
> 
> As for Makoto and Haru, I suppose that depends what you guys think?


End file.
